DANG IT GOD!!! WHERE IS MY MIRACLE???!!

I’m two weeks into cancer now. It seems like I am settling down emotionally. The feelings of depression and death and despair have pretty much left.  I guess those feelings were part of the initial shock I was in. Now I appear to be more methodical and accepting of the cancer.  After all, the cancer cells are mine.  They are not from some outside disease or virus. Those are my cells that are mutating. My focus has now turned into a thorough search for solutions and options.

We both are still reading the book the doctor gave us, “100 Ways to Die from Prostate Cancer.”  We now just call it the Book of Death. Neither of us have figured out when is the best time to read it; in the morning so it will destroy your entire day, or in the evening so it will give you nightmares.  It contains one lame solution after another.  And then lists the myriad of side effects and possible complications of each solution.  And then each side effect’s solutions and side effects of those solutions. It’s a never-ending list of ways to let the doctors forever traumatize and damage your body. But at least we are getting educated, right?

With that thought, there is one thing I forgot to include in my last blog.  Of the twelve samples taken from my prostate during the biopsy, four had cancer.  And some were as much as 35% covered in cancer cells. They divided my prostate into four quadrants.  Two of the quadrants have cancer, one is indeterminable, and the last is benign. Yes, that is frightening. Almost as frightening as the death book.

Down to business. This blog actually is going to be about my anger with God. Truthfully, just like the initial shock is diminishing, so is that anger.  But it hit a boiling point over the weekend. And it was the first real raw emotion I felt as I drove home from the Urologist’s office having just been told I have cancer.

Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, and had just a few years earlier returned from a full-time two-year mission for my church (I served in the Concepcion, Chile area in South America), I was asked to serve as a counselor to the Bishop of our congregation.  That would be equal to assistant pastor, I guess.

Just a few weeks into that calling, the Bishop’s wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. And it was bad. I don’t remember all the details, but I was told it was fatal and she wasn’t expected to survive it. That they were going to do exploratory surgery (is that what they called biopsies back then??) to determine its extent.

In the book of James, Chapter 5, we find:

14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:

15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.

My church practices this healing of the sick. I believe in it. I have witnessed miracles of faith and healing many times.

Anyway, the Bishop’s wife requested that I bless her. You would think the Bishop himself would be a good candidate to perform this blessing, but he was too close to the situation emotionally and didn’t feel he could provide an objective blessing. He was scared to death that he was going to lose her. She chose me because I didn’t know her very well and was not emotionally connected to her and she trusted I would listen to the Holy Spirit as I delivered the blessing.

The day before her “exploratory surgery”, the other counselor to the Bishop, Brian, and I went to the hospital to provide the blessing. Laying my hands on her head was a surreal experience. It was like I was watching myself give the blessing. I did not remember what it was I said, but I knew the words were not mine. The feeling of the spirit was incredibly strong.

Once in the elevator, Brian rebuked me. “Why did you say that?! You shouldn’t have given her false hope!” I asked what it was that I had said, and he told me “you blessed her that she would raise her children to adulthood!” I explained that those were not my words, but God’s. I hadn’t even realized that I had said them.

The next day, after the surgery, Brian called to tell me that when they cut into her, they found absolutely no cancer at all. Not one cell. The doctors were confused and could not explain it. But this faithful woman could explain it. A miracle had been performed at God’s hands because of her faith. She had been miraculously cured of cancer in an instant.

During my lifetime I have witnessed and even been a part of many similar healings. Healings of men, women and children. In one case, the healing of an entire city and county. Powerful miracles at God’s hands.

And that begs me to yell, with all my might, “WHERE IS MY MIRACLE???!!! Is not my faith sufficient? Are not my works enough? Didn’t I just dedicate nearly every single second of my life for six months to your work? During those six months, didn’t you perform many miracles with me as your instrument? WHERE IS MY MIRACLE WHEN I NEED IT??!!”

ANGER!!

This past weekend was our “Stake Conference.” A stake is a group of six to ten congregations. A Stake Conference is held several times a year to receive enlightenment from the church leaders. There was a session on Saturday evening. We had spent most of the day at a Scouting Leader (Wood Badge) Development Meeting where we prepared to put on a training course this Spring. I was tired and a bit overwhelmed and wanted to rest. Hanna wanted to go to conference. So, we did. I sat in the back and dozed off while the speakers talked. Finally, the man who was conducting the meeting said something that woke me up quickly. “We would like to now ask Brother Stewart-Longhurst to come up to the pulpit and share what he learned on his mission he just returned from.” God expected me to talk to these people, even though I was mad as hell at him. I became angrier. And as I left my wife’s side, I whispered “I just hope I don’t swear!”

It was another out-of-body type experience. The words weren’t mine, but they were uttered from my mouth. A powerful story of faith in following God’s spirit. Of miracles being performed because we were sent to the right place at the right time to teach people that were waiting for us. And I told over 200 people that I had just been diagnosed with cancer and that the mission would not have been possible unless I had left to serve right when I did, right when the spirit told us to.

I’m still having people text me and tell me how powerful of a message that was.

Afterwards, I was ANGRY AS HELL!!

God now only has not provided a miracle to cure me but continues to use me to perform miracles for other’s benefits!

 WHERE IS MY MIRACLE??

While in California as a missionary, we purposefully avoided anything but Christian radio stations in an attempt to keep the spirit with us. (I usually listen to rock). During that musical transition, I was introduced to the music of Lauren Daigle. Actually, I first heard of her during a missionary meeting with the younger missionaries when a discussion erupted as to whether her music was appropriate for young missionaries to listen to. I became curious and You Tube was my friend for a few hours as I checked her out for myself.

I find that the words and message of her music somehow are about the workings and feelings of my own faith, put to great inspirational fun-to-listen-to music, and then sung with incredible passion. Her music touches me. One song in particular stands out to me right now.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

(Lauren Daigle -Trust in You)

Click the link below...........

Lauren Daigle Says to Trust Him

Down inside, I know the miracle is on its way. I just selfishly want it NOW.

God knows everything. I know very little. I must trust Him.

Once again, God will use me to show His power. Whether it is a miraculous healing from cancer like the one I wrote about above, or just a small miracle of me surviving it day by day to do more of His work, he will provide that miracle.

It will be powerful. Even the naysayer and the nonbeliever will wonder and see His power.

Watch me heal.  Watch me survive. But only with His help and blessings.