CANCER = FEAR!!

I've lived six weeks with cancer.  Hoping for six decades.  We'll see how that goes.

So, how are we now?  Another phase.  Acceptance.  I think both Hanna and I have accepted the fact that I have cancer and am going to live the rest of my life with it.  Panic has left.  Deep study of cancer has become boring.  And now we are focused on living.  Staying positive every day that we can.  (She wants to sing while we drive now.......).  And healthy living.  Getting outside.  Getting exercise.  Eating more healthy.  We are not going extreme.  But we are cutting back on meats, especially red meats (my apologies to my beef rancher father), dairy, sugar, aspartame, and increasing amounts we eat of fresh, organic (if possible) veggies and fruits and whole grains.

So we chill and have a spinach and almond milk smoothie.

Cancer has been, will be, and can be incredibly scary.  When I have a horribly off day, I gather my fears and try to replace them with gratitudes.

Here is a list of what my fears have been or are:

PAIN.  I hate pain.  Pain is not fun.  Cancer sounds painful.  So far, the cancer itself has displayed no symptoms at all, especially no pain.  The tests and treatments have been painful at times, but not overwhelmingly so.  Still, I fear pain.  Pain may be my hugest fear.

MISSING OUT.  If cancer somehow takes my life prematurely, I have this fear of not being places I should be.  Like my daughter's planned temple sealing to her sweetheart.  Like my kids' weddings.  Births of grandchildren.

NOT BEING ABLE TO SERVE.  I was born to be a missionary.  Seriously.  It is totally cliche, but by far the best two years of my life were while I served as a full-time 19-year-old missionary in Chile.  That was until I served a six-month mission with Hanna last year in Clearlake, California.  That topped the two-year mission by far.  My best evenings now are spent serving as a Ward Missionary.  Teaching people.  Meeting people.  Helping people come closer to Christ.  My fear is that I won't be able to physically serve due to the cancer or its treatments.

FINANCIAL DEVASTATION.  Every time we even talk about a doctor, we get a bill.  Sometimes we get it twice, even though we already paid it once.  The cost of being sick is horrendous.  We have good coverage (Christian Healthcare Ministry), but I fear that not everything will be covered and we'll grow broke.

ABANDONMENT.  Several very well-meaning folks have told me to read the book of Job.  I'm not Job.  I don't want to be like Job.  Right now I have tons of friends and family reaching out to me.  Near the end of Job's torment, even his best of friends and family LEFT HIM.  I fear that.  I am not Job.

CANCER RUN AMUCK.  At this point, we still know very little about the cancer cells that have taken up residence in my prostate.  Even with all the poking and prodding and scanning, only less than a tenth of one percent of my prostate has been biopsied.  No one knows what may be in the other 99.9% of my prostate.  And we wait weeks, even months, before seeing the next doctor or having the next test.  Meanwhile, the cells could be replicating like crazy, making the cancer harder to treat.

LOSS OF QUALITY OF LIFE.  At times it seems my choices are to let the cancer run amuck and wreak havoc over all of my body, or suffer the dire consequences of invasive painful treatment.  Either way, my quality of life goes down drastically and permanently.  I can easily picture myself bent over, shuffling like a very old man, with a walker, in pain, unable to do anything.  Helpless and dependent on others for survival.  Being in the state of "at least you're still alive" does not sound fun.

I'm sure if I sit here and ponder, a few more, even a lot more fears would come to mind.  Fears are easy to come by.  I need to deal with each one, no matter how small, as they come up.

I hereby take the above worthless, aggravating fears and place them in a box.  And then I hereby place that box at God's feet.  They are now His fears and He can do with them whatever He wants.  Doesn't matter.  They are no longer mine.  I surrender my right to them to Him.

I hereby replace my FEARS with GRATITUDE.  Here is what I am grateful for:

HANNA.  I've been blessed with such a wonderful, caring, energetic wife.  She is obsessed with, and probably will single-handedly, find a cure for cancer.  She wants me better and lives that "want" every single minute of every single day.

PRAYERS FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILIES.  This past week I received a note from a good friend that I had not heard from in a long time.  He had no idea I had been diagnosed with cancer.  It went something like this: "My health just won't improve, even though I have been praying to God fiercely that He will bless me.  As I talked to Him about it and asked what I was doing incorrectly, the spirit impressed me that I should pray first for someone else.  As I pondered who that should be, your name kept coming to mind.  So, I have been praying for you brother, hoping that we'll both heal from whatever ails us."  A huge tender, spiritual moment was had as I told him about my cancer and how much those prayers (and his inspiration) are appreciated.

RESOURCES.  With today's technologies, I have been able to do mounds of research into possible treatments and options regarding prostate cancer.  From the comfort of my home.  This allows me to make my own decision, with input from my medical professionals, without having to have blind trust in an authority figure.

GOD.  Yup.  I still struggle with a bit of anger.  I feel betrayed.  I am working through that.  But I am grateful that He never leaves my side.  Even in my desperate fits of cursing and anger, He stands by my side always.

MY TALENTS.  My talents allow me to provide a decent living for me and my family.  Not having to worry about where the next meal is going to come from is a great thing during a situation like this.  I am grateful with the talents I have been blessed with.

THE MISSION.  I am incredibly grateful that we were able to serve when we did.  If we had delayed any longer, I probably wouldn't have been able to pass the physical exams and recommendations and would not have been able to serve.  We would have missed the opportunity we had to meet people who were waiting specifically for us to help bring them closer to Christ.

HEALTHY LIVING.  This whole cancer trial has caused me to look at my lifestyle and make changes.  A bit of a new diet.  Regular exercise.  Destressing.  I'm feeling quite healthy right now.  And may have gone a different direction otherwise.  WAIT!  Did I just write that I am thankful for cancer?  That sounds insane, but its true.  I did.  I am.

There's probably more, but that's a good start.

TODAY I CHOOSE TO LIVE A GRATEFUL LIFE!!!