Cancer SUCKS
From the beginning, I decided to be really open about my cancer. And to write a blog about my experiences.
The blog has several purposes. One, it is very therapeutic for me. Next, to help others who struggle with whatever. And third, to keep everyone informed as to how I am doing.
Today's blog likely will not sound very supportive. It is for purely self-therapeutic purposes. And to keep distant friends and relatives aware that I am still alive.
Guys, CANCER SUCKS. It is literally kicking my ass emotionally. (I'll repent soon for swearing, so get over it.)
I visited my brother a couple of weeks ago. He said, as a lot of people have, "you look great, how's your health?" That's the trick. Prostate cancer really has no visible symptoms. Not until it is very advanced and in the process of taking your life, having spread to all areas of your body. At that point the pain is excruciating and the symptoms obvious.
The only symptoms I have are extreme fatigue, depression and anxiety.
The fatigue kicked in summer before last, over a year ago. While I was serving as a missionary. About mid-afternoon, I was spent. I was so tired, so sleepy, that I was pretty useless. Easy solution. I had time for naps, so started taking an afternoon nap. The intent was 20 minutes, but usually it was closer to an hour. Some days I didn't wake up for two or three hours. I chalked it up to being such a great hard-working missionary, that I was exhausting myself. Not true. I was a great missionary. But the truth is, it was the very first clues that something was not right. And fatigue is a huge symptom of prostate cancer.
Which leads to depression. Realizing that I have been plagued with a disease of death is not an uplifting realization. Not being able to do what I have always been able to do and do it easily is depressing. Feeling the fatigue hit at almost exactly 2pm on most days and knowing my day is done is depressing.
And then the anxiety. Waking up nearly every night, not every night, but nearly every night, in a sweat and worries pounding through my head. And then not to be able to fall asleep again. Have I been properly diagnosed? Did we choose the right treatment? What will the complications be? Does the doctor really know what he is doing? How much pain will I be in? Can I really work for a week with a catheter hanging out of my pants? Will the treatment really exterminate the cancer? And are we sure the cancer really isn't spreading right now as we wait for months and months before doing treatment?? Ugh.
Which leads to more fatigue. Which leads to more depression. Which leads to more anxiety.
We have chosen to only keep our office open four days a week for now. By Thursday night, I am spent. I need the three-day weekend to get out and get some air and refresh a bit. And to sleep a lot. By Monday, I usually am in a place to try again.
I tried out anti-depressants in an earlier life while in a crisis. They helped me through the crisis alright. But I had no emotions. The lows were gone, but so were the highs. Folks could tell. I was OK to be around, but no longer fun. No sense of humor. Very sullen. I didn't enjoy it and neither did anyone that was around me then. So, I am avoiding the medication for as long as I can. I fight depression by doing things I enjoy; scheduling them in. Time outdoors. Reading. Blogging. Also, that old adage "early to bed/early to rise". Eating right. Walking. It works some days.
And the anxiety? Bring on the treatment. Let's get it over with. And then let's hope that the cancer is forever frozen to death and gone forever. I'll sleep like a baby. And then once my body is fully healed, the fatigue should leave as well and I'll have "it" again. No more two-hour naps. No more crankiness. No more struggling to focus late on a Thursday afternoon.
Friday, November 1st, at 6:00am. Ten days exactly from right now.
Let's get it done.
The blog has several purposes. One, it is very therapeutic for me. Next, to help others who struggle with whatever. And third, to keep everyone informed as to how I am doing.
Today's blog likely will not sound very supportive. It is for purely self-therapeutic purposes. And to keep distant friends and relatives aware that I am still alive.
Guys, CANCER SUCKS. It is literally kicking my ass emotionally. (I'll repent soon for swearing, so get over it.)
I visited my brother a couple of weeks ago. He said, as a lot of people have, "you look great, how's your health?" That's the trick. Prostate cancer really has no visible symptoms. Not until it is very advanced and in the process of taking your life, having spread to all areas of your body. At that point the pain is excruciating and the symptoms obvious.
The only symptoms I have are extreme fatigue, depression and anxiety.
The fatigue kicked in summer before last, over a year ago. While I was serving as a missionary. About mid-afternoon, I was spent. I was so tired, so sleepy, that I was pretty useless. Easy solution. I had time for naps, so started taking an afternoon nap. The intent was 20 minutes, but usually it was closer to an hour. Some days I didn't wake up for two or three hours. I chalked it up to being such a great hard-working missionary, that I was exhausting myself. Not true. I was a great missionary. But the truth is, it was the very first clues that something was not right. And fatigue is a huge symptom of prostate cancer.
Which leads to depression. Realizing that I have been plagued with a disease of death is not an uplifting realization. Not being able to do what I have always been able to do and do it easily is depressing. Feeling the fatigue hit at almost exactly 2pm on most days and knowing my day is done is depressing.
And then the anxiety. Waking up nearly every night, not every night, but nearly every night, in a sweat and worries pounding through my head. And then not to be able to fall asleep again. Have I been properly diagnosed? Did we choose the right treatment? What will the complications be? Does the doctor really know what he is doing? How much pain will I be in? Can I really work for a week with a catheter hanging out of my pants? Will the treatment really exterminate the cancer? And are we sure the cancer really isn't spreading right now as we wait for months and months before doing treatment?? Ugh.
Which leads to more fatigue. Which leads to more depression. Which leads to more anxiety.
We have chosen to only keep our office open four days a week for now. By Thursday night, I am spent. I need the three-day weekend to get out and get some air and refresh a bit. And to sleep a lot. By Monday, I usually am in a place to try again.
I tried out anti-depressants in an earlier life while in a crisis. They helped me through the crisis alright. But I had no emotions. The lows were gone, but so were the highs. Folks could tell. I was OK to be around, but no longer fun. No sense of humor. Very sullen. I didn't enjoy it and neither did anyone that was around me then. So, I am avoiding the medication for as long as I can. I fight depression by doing things I enjoy; scheduling them in. Time outdoors. Reading. Blogging. Also, that old adage "early to bed/early to rise". Eating right. Walking. It works some days.
And the anxiety? Bring on the treatment. Let's get it over with. And then let's hope that the cancer is forever frozen to death and gone forever. I'll sleep like a baby. And then once my body is fully healed, the fatigue should leave as well and I'll have "it" again. No more two-hour naps. No more crankiness. No more struggling to focus late on a Thursday afternoon.
Friday, November 1st, at 6:00am. Ten days exactly from right now.
Let's get it done.
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